holiday void....

this is the first year i will be without family on christmas...and on top of that...this will be the first time around the holidays i will be without friends as well...which makes me think about what i find so attractive about this holiday to begin with (yes i know...i said attractive)

i've never been one for christmas...the yuletide joy...the reds and greens...the fanfare of presents and consumerism....the holiday cheer...the extra donations...the tug on your heartstrings...it seems too merry....too guilt driven...but i would have to say that there are many aspects i love about it....

i love the excuse you have to get together with people...have hor d'oeuvres...bake cookies and pies and such....that's mostly what we need as humans...just getting together...eating together...giving gifts...unfortunately if we had this all the time we would most likely grow old and sick of it...which goes to show you...too much of a good thing can be bad sometimes

i also love the excuse to decorate...its one of the things i love about halloween as well...stringing lights...decorating the christmas tree...as we go through boxes and boxes of ornaments my mom has collected over the years...it got to a point where we couldn't even put them all on anymore...we had to weed out the ones that weren't that special...cause there wasn't any room...

but all that satisfies something in me....i don't know if it makes me nostalgic or brings me back to my childhood...moreso...because those things were in my childhood...they have shaped what i have grown to love about this holiday.....people talk about certain foods or events that bring comfort because it reminds them of their childhood...but the only comfort i would feel is if i were back there again...its not the food or the event for me...its that time....christmas is nothing without going to my grandpop's on christmas eve...seeing my uncles i haven't seen all year....eating the food...playing pool...its nothing without waking up in the morning with that leap in your heart...as you open one eye...that you've got some sweet presents awaiting your dismemberment...its going to your grandma's for dinner...eating shrimp and the best lasagna you've ever had...its going to your nanny and grandad's after that and opening the funny quirky gifts they got you because they don't have much money...and they are always trying to be creative

i guess when it comes down to it...i am a sucker for tradition...as much as settling down scares me sometimes...there are things i would look forward to...and this is one of those things...to build a new tradition...a new start to community...i already have felt this the last 6 years with halloween...building something and watching it grow...almost taking on a life of its own...every year going through the halloween stuff...thinking of a new theme...seeing it all come together...it brings such a warmth to my heart...i would hate not being a part of this...i hope to never stop...but one day i may have to...and start something new....

it sucks how the everyday life gets mundane...and you forget how good you have it until you leave...or how amazing the people you have been around for a time really are....why am i made this way...to cherish events and dates....and not the people i am around everyday...why do i take this for granted....i have this terrible tendency to think that there is something else better than what i'm doing or where i'm at...like my lot in life is a never ending wait on that ultimate purpose never to find it....i do this with church...i do this with cities....i do this with girls....i do this with worship..."when will i truly be satisfied?"...i ask of myself

i know partly...i will be satisfied...when i stop trying to find my satisfaction in these trivial things...because they will all be put to the flame...and not survive...may i be satisfied...in that which will survive

a merry tradition to you all...and to all a good night

i'm a stranger in this land..

there's a place far from here
where there is no hurt
no sickness
no medicine
no crying babies
no weeping mothers
no hopelessness
no anger
no disappointment
no jealousy
no lack of love
no abandonment
no loneliness

and as i see more
of all that lives here
i'm approaching the threshold
of wanting to be there

A Coloradian's Dream Car...

is a subaru outback...yeah that's right...you probably haven't even seen one...i remember when i was working out in flagstaff, arizona...i saw a bunch of them...and was wondering what was up....seeing them all over the place here...i had to ask AK and TK what the deal was...for some reason people out here have this idea its the best car ever...reason's being:

its all wheel drive
has room for people and "gear"
gets good gas mileage

my response to this being...yeah but its a damn subaru...seriously...who owns a subaru...instead why not get a toyota matrix...for reason's being:

its all wheel drive
has room for people and "gear"
gets good gas mileage
is a toyota!!!!!
it doesn't look like a hipper version of the station wagon

Pastor Melissa Scott...

is straight up legit....everytime i'm flipping through channels and she's on...i get sucked in

"we should do good works...because its a reflection of christ...it has NOTHING to do with salvation"

legit

all i want to do is ride bikes with you...

beginning of the week...and only a lady named andrea who needs assistance around her house(filing, yardwork, cleaning garage, internet searches) has given me any hope of employment...i'm no good at this pursuing thing...fortunately AK is paying me $10/hr and has enough work for me to do here to probably last for a month or 2...but its that work that you do like 3-4 hours a day...today i cleaned up some of the garage and brought in all the wood and piping from outside....i'm actually excited to start staining his fence

fort collins is a beautiful place...AK and TK live about 5 minutes west of downtown...and the beautiful thing is that they are the farthest west you can get before you start hitting the rockies...they have some amazing views...and tons of trails behind the house...despite the nip in the air...me and AK decided to get the mountain bikes down and go for a ride

dirt...pebbles...rocks...throw my back tire to and fro...and i hold on for dear life going down hill...and strain my quads to the max going uphills...it reminds me of the last time i went biking...it was in winter park with my brother part of a race around the city...i biked about 20 miles and couldn't even make it home...seriously....we had to call justin to come pick us up in his pick up....it was the strangest feeling not being able to control my body like that

we would pass bikers and runners...and then we passed a couple walking together...and my mind thought of the loveliness...if you were here...and that was us...and i would know for sure...and you had learned to trust

live by awards...die by awards...

hunting hunting hunting...who likes hunting...no one!!....we love the kill...we love the find...which in turn justifies the hunting...that's why we may say we like hunting...but if we never killed anything...never found anything...we would hate it...we need some kind of satisfaction that our searching is not in vain....although i can't really speak for people who play the lottery...not sure how they feel about it

i've filled out application after application after application...and there is one thing that all of them have in common that i hate:

"list some specific skills and qualifications you have for this position"

and now i have to become a salesman...selling the one thing i have a hard time selling...me....its not like i don't think highly of myself...its just that i don't want to be "that guy"...you know the one...always talking about himself...telling stories...being loud...i just want my work to speak for itself...hell..call somebody..i just gave you a list of references...this is why i could never climb a ladder...or ask for a raise...when your boss asks you "so why do you think you deserve a raise"...i would say..."your right...i don't deserve a raise".....i just want to be noticed...i want to be doing such a good job that you can't help but give me a raise...that's the way it should work

and then...as i head back to the house...i listen to the radio as the announcer lists off the high school students of the month in fort collins...and all their merits..."glee club member...volleyball captain...honor student..." blah blah blah...it reminds me of my senior year when i would talk to some of my classmates...they got involved in all these clubs and organizations so they could get into a better college...is that how it goes?? you're a better or smarter student because of all of the extra curricular groups you were apart of??

why do we love the trophy
why do we love the award
would it be enough to hear the same accolade from our parents
would it be enough to hear a friends whisper over a crowd's applause
i wonder

we will dance again...

i swear...you were not made for this
but this is where we stand
unable to touch
feelings can be good
but are untrustworthy
live in truth my love
live in the firm
crete your feet to the floor
so you can't move
or maybe i should say
can't fight
cause this is going to hurt
this is going to sting
but i don't know a more effective way
to get your attention
don't you think i want roses
don't you know...all i want is to see you smile
but destruction lives there
hate lives there
and people change because of it
can't you see i'm bringing the good
the right...the pure
you ask for a miracle
for your blindness to cease
but i'm keeping you from a world
that is harder than you can know
you are blind for protection
for preservation
there will be a day my love
when this all passes
when we will finally belong
but for now
just have faith
just trust
open your hands
and i will take them
down a path
of adventure
of anger
of rest
of war
of pleasure
of hope
whose end results in satisfaction
for we will dance again
amen

"so the lizard goes to plan b..."

i always thought it would be an interesting experiment...as your flipping through channels on the tv or radio...to record the first statement you here from each channel...and see what kind of story would come of it...i've tried to mentally do it...but don't seem to have the capacity

as i exited out of my room today...my stepdad was watching tv...and the first statement i heard was:

"so the lizard goes to plan b..."


makes you wonder....what the hell was plan a?

oh tallest tree

oh tallest tree
oh tallest tree
wouldn't you soon
remember me
what's it like
with canopy high
soaking clouds
and piercing sky
my neck is cracking
to peer your awe
my mind is knacking
to keen my small
how heavy your branches
how reddish your tint
and leaves that could cover
this fix that i'm in
the deep dark grooves
in your flaky brown siding
conveniently fit
my posture for hiding
knooks and crannies
i reach for each one
scaling and climbing
a glimpse of the sun
it may take me years
but years i well have
worth every scrape
and impossible grasps
to the top one day
far from markless
and shadows will burn
along with the darkness
and keep me well
and keep me often
witnessing deep
my cold heart soften
i've shivered too long
and never quite thawed
but on that day
i'll again be awed

3 beautiful things one saturday....

this is otis' picture of halloween...i can't explain everything that's going on here...just that its brillant






















my friend iris just sent these amazing beauties...they are handmade from tanzania which is in africa where she spent all summer...seriously...these are effing awesome!!!

















I LOVE BIG LOTS!!! especially looking in their grocery section...they have alot of discounted food because of busted boxes...or unpopular items...at first glance...i had to have these puppies...at 10th combo...i had to use the bathroom...these just arent' right

cause a promise...is a promise...i know

bow low sweet hearts
be still new moon
sands are pouring through our fingers
and we can't move to grab them
so we stand lifeless
tears running down our cheeks
skin cracked and dry
face and hands numb
we fail to see our purpose
as statues above the empty ground
motionless is not dead
sorrow is not weakness
our faces are a constant wondering
questioning...sighing
and the sands remain
encasing our arms
a heavy weight
we feel on the verge of crumbling
what does it feel like to break free
to shed the outer shell
to be warm again
hope for a river's rushing
noble and reasonable
we move our eyes
we look to the skies
hoping for a rain
to make us mud
to flood our skin
to bring life
but nothing
what is hope then
if it never comes
will it ever come
should we stop hoping
should we let ourselves crumble
because it never comes
but what if it does
shouldn't we hope
for sorrows sake

if you want to get free...

In the gas station bathroom by the condom machine
I heard the word of the Lord
He said take off your shoes,
this is holy ground too
you know I came for the sick and the bored.
Beneath the selling of beers
And the welling up of tears
Out beyond the beam of the remote control
There's a whispering voice
That the humble ear ears
that says I am still waiting
for you to ask just to be made whole.

And the bush it was burning on the mountain top
and though the leaves never blackened, the fire didn't stop
That's the way that it works in this old life of sin
You gotta let the fire burn you just to get clean within

I am so often deterred from my actual intent
by distractions in a cellophane wrap
And the cruel voice that taunts me when I open them up
to find just one more box full of crap
It's where you're mocked while you abstain
and then cursed when you give in
It's all a game that's impossible to beat
But there's a peaceful refrain God'll sing in your brain
when you put the nails to your hands and your feet

And the smell of our sacrifices
still fills up my head
There's just a few left at the altar, Lord
all the rest of them fled
And we've cried and we've tried
We've sweat and we've bled
But we don't just need atonement
WE NEED TO BE RAISED FROM THE DEAD

When they took down the cross from that dark hillside
The blood on their hands was the blood from his side
That's the way that it works, That's the way it must be.
You gotta let His blood stain you of you want to get free
If you want to get free
Don't you want to get free?
I think you want to be free.

-waterdeep

we all just want to be recognized...

no matter how small
no matter how trivial
we all just want someone to say
"great job
you're the best at (insert skill here)"
what a paradox to battle
when you are to serve
expecting nothing in return
how do you trust that heaven will hold
what is so precious to you down here

"One kind word, one full hug while you pressed me to your chest and held me tight, would have been like the sun on my heart for a thousand years"

what is in us
that we would so readily be satisfied
in the words of another man
and yet our creator's words fall short
its hard to hear
when you have to tell yourself
why god loves you
better perhaps
to hear from another man

Lightness...

There's a tear in the fabric
of your favorite dress
And i'm sneaking glances.
Looking for the patterns in static
They start to make sense
the longer i'm at it.

Ivory lines lead
Oo wha-ho, oo wha-ho

Your heart is a river
that flows from your chest
Through every organ
Your brain is the dam
And i am the fish
who can't reach the core.

Ivory lines lead
Oo wha-ho, oo wha-ho

Oh, instincts are misleading
You shouldn't think what you're feeling
They don't tell you what you know you should want.

Ivory lines lead
Oo wha-ho, oo wha-ho
[x2]

-Death Cab for Cutie

The Richest Kids...

Out in the country where the air is fine
We spent our last five dollars on a bottle of wine
We listened to some records on the patio
We had the music loud, the lights turned low

Oh we've been working, we've been paying our dues
We've got dirt on our hands and holes in our shoes
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Don't let the tiniest of troubles bring you down my friend
Don't let the slightest complications drive you mad
Although we haven't got much money
We must admit it's pretty funny
That they think we are the richest kids in town

Don't get so crazy it was only a joke
Put your shoes back on then we'll go have a smoke
Talk about the funny things we did this year
Tell each other what we want to hear

You're a pretty one you're really a gem
So don't get bent out of shape by them
They never mean to hurt you, but they always do it's true

Don't let the tiniest of troubles bring you down my friend
Don't let the slightest complications drive you mad
Although we haven't got much money
We must admit it's pretty funny
That they think we are the richest kids in town

-This is Ivy League

Barak Obama Rules!!!

I'm totally voting for the guy.......................................................
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next year

NetherWorld..

Y
o
u

A
r
e

N
o
t

R
e
a
d
y
!

a journey like nothing else...

you are a myth
you are a legend
you are stories told
to give hope of perfection
your weight is a feather
you're glass made of plastic
we're so far consumed
we can no longer see past it
you are not real
you are a lie
it's about time we see this
and command that you die
you put up your clouds
your smiles...your laughter
your "falling in love"
your "happily ever after"
you're choking our necks
you're breaking our bones
you cut off our hands
turn our hearts into stone
let us be free
let us be real
let us be pained
let us be healed
make us stronger throughout
better people we'll be
from trials we face
and words disagreed
help us to see the sacrifice
the giving of one's self
help us see that this will be
a journey like nothing else

i am the roof that is tattered with rain

i am a jumbled mess standing before my god not knowing what to do...what to say...how to act...how to hold your name...nothing is sacred to me...everything must be broken...everyone must be wrong...every way has an unchaseable ending...i am a liar...i am a cheat...i am a coward...nothing brave is within me...i stand for my own fame...my own glory...my own honor...wisdom has been given to me...yet i draw from my own well...my hands are that of stone unable to help another....i am foolish...i am proud...i am a jumbled mess

i don't know what to say...whether i should say anything...this is the part of the game where i lose my friends...decide its not worth it to carry on as myself...but adopt a new moniker...a new road...a new name....i am desolate...i am evil...i am callous....i am bitter...i am rotten to the core...its time for me to go serve myself again...leave all you poor and hungry...

what the hell is right.....who the hell is right...why must we be right....

what is next for me god...huh...what...please please please...can i stop learning...can i stop growing...why do you give me everything i want....stop it...give me something i need...i'm tired of deciding...i'm tired of thinking...please please please...i'm ready to be a robot...enslave me...please please please...give me an assistant...for christ's sake...please...

god i hate this...god i hate this...you answer my prayers...you give me rest...but what is this...i don't know...its a needle to my balloon...

what are we worth....what shouldn't we do...is there not a time for honoring ourselves...must we give until we are dust....will you water us...must we take the proper steps....give us formulas god...please...freedom is too difficult....won't we all lay down at our death saying "i could have done more"...will any of us be satisfied...do we waste time...is there such a thing....man i'm sick of this....leave me alone...don't talk to me...i'm sick of this...i'm sick of this...please stop it

when will you work god?

when will you see
i need answers
and you aren't doing much for me
when will you open your eyes
see past the sun and the clouds
seek out my desire
to hear your voice boom loud
when will the red carpet be laid
when will my hopes and dreams
be satisfied
in things i can see
hello? lord?
i heard you are loving
strong...patient...and wise
all knowing...all caring...hearing our cries
my request is a simple one
be small...be mine alone
break out of your realm
step down off your throne
walk with me...talk with me
be real...be alive...be kind
tell me that you love me
tell me everything will be fine
i need to hear it
straight from your lips
faith is hard...faith is unrealistic
for a skin covered man
who only sees skin cloaked things
who doesn't see heartbeats
or blood flow
or nerves cracking
or seeds sown
or water soaking
or leaves baking
or soil tilling
or weeds growing
and choking and choking
the sun is less bright
the moon is dressed in black
and an emptiness is filling
the sky with her muddled hues
and darker mists
and failing glances
and second chances
who grows this deep weed
this unwatered seed
that cultivates my brain
and sends me on my way
a path of destruction is laid
and all i find are roots
dug up before me
nothing takes hold
i try and i try
and nothing wants to live
this soil is too loose
these hands too new
when will the rain come
drench the ground...make it mud
so i will be swallowed up inside
sinking deep beneath
the earth's crust
where i lay
and rust
and wait and wait and wait
again i wait for my bones
to come back to life
when will i be a ground breaker
when will i reach a bare knuckle toward the sun
when will nerves and muscle
encase me once again
when will these dry bones dance
hello? lord?
when will you work?

remember lisa v...

i'm half way between never ending...and ever failing
i'm somewhere in the middle of taking charge...and taking off
i'm gonna reap the sowing seed of the daily grind
and burn it in the fire of desperate measures
i'm turning my ear to heaven
and turning my feet to the mossy path
i'm sick of death but refuse to nurture life

where does my help come from?
where is my rescue?

life is a vapor
an endless...tiresome...always changing vapor

i will not let this bitter root grow in you...

you feel the need to stay stuck
that you are only a product of what has come before you
WHY??!!
why so complacent
why so reluctant
why is it so easy for you to be a door mat
why are you ok with this
no my friend
NO!!
this isn't what god has for you
this isn't his plan
i know the past is ugly
i know its easier to accept this destiny
but i will not accept it for you
i will not let you think its ok

and i know its a long way down
but its time to make a change
look at the tree you have been rooted from
ponder its rotting bark
understand its bitter roots
and find yourself malcontent
with it infecting your foliage
cut swiftly my friend
saw with vigor
the fall will hurt
but you will heal
and life won't feel the same anymore
find fresh black soil
and plunge deep your broken members
let the old wither away
let change spring forth

what i'm learning...

when i feel the need to be in control of decisions...i start freaking out
when i give the burden of control over to god...the pressure is relieved
i have a lot of expectations and ideas i have created...and they're hard to shake
i want to try because its hard...because i've never done it
the caress of human flesh will never satisfy my hunger
i am afraid to make mistakes

i must remember why i'm here...

i must remember what god wants to do
it's easy to get frustrated
it's easy to turn and yell
i want to have a peace
i want to see their hearts
what they are struggling with
the attention that they are pining for
i need to stop taking things so personal

create in me a clean heart
and renew a right spirit within me

The Nolichucky River and Elementary Kids...

the first day of helping out with camp started with a bang...or should i say..getting dragged along the pavement by a steel cable...let me explain

the ramp that leads down to the river to drop the kids off for tubing has a steel cable running across the top of it...which is pad locked to two posts...george gave me the key to unlock it...but it wasn't working...after trying it again and again...and with the kids on their way down in the bus...i said "why don't we unscrew the eye bolt"...so george grabbed a wrench and i grabbed the loop on the cable and we both started to turn...

and we turned and we turned

all the while the cable was turning with us...getting more and more tension on it...you know those toy airplanes with the rubber bands attached the propeller...yeah...think of that...the eye bolt was wiggling...and towards the end with every turn...we kept saying "it almost there"....finally...as it popped off...the cable untwisted...catching my hand in the loop and flinging me across to top of the ramp...

as george recalls it..."the wrench came out of my hand...i picked it up and you were gone"

it hurt at the time...but in hindsight it was a fun ride...a couple gouges here and there but nothing too bad

being on the river all of yesterday was tough...not the beautiful water...not the dense trees...not the grassy banks...but the kids...the elementary kids...you know the ones...the ones that can't balance in their tubes...the ones that think that a alligator is going to eat them...the ones that cry cause they feel they can't do it...yeah them...most of them were good...but its always those few that make the ride more difficult...testing your patience

it felt good to have a group here...i forgot what it felt like...how a group of kids can energize you...seeing them react to one another...seeing their insecurities...their personalities...it was a quick day and a half...but as always...it felt like a week

don't panic...

Oh, we're sinking like stones,
All that we fought for,
All those places we've gone,
All of us are done for.

We live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world,
Oh, we're sinking like stones,
All that we fought for,
All those places we've gone,
All of us are done for.

We live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world.

Oh, all that I know,
There's nothing here to run from,
And there, everybody here's got somebody to lean on.

as night as now...

I'm so damn tired, can't hear myself
In all these hours, I'll heal myself

Who walks beside you?
Who will surprise you now?

Move or decide it

I'm so damn tired, can't hear myself
In all these hours, I'll heal myself

Move or decide it

Let us sing out
Forgetting all

Day One..

still tired from the move...

we're there...

braving the mountain passes
and the dead of night
and the ache of staying up
and sitting upright

we arrive
on a sunday morning
as everyone wakes up
we die

my summer prayer...

let us lay down our own insecurities
for the sake of these kids

amen

tonight i made a girl cry...

its a weird feeling when you are talking to someone...and you think you are helping them process through some stuff in their life...and then you say something that seems to turn their thoughts and they start crying...and you have this overwhelming feeling of all the good momentum you had going...comes to a screeching hault...and you think...how do i get this back on the track...and then...a few minutes later...you realize what they are crying about...is a good thing...and what you had said...actually helped...and they tell you as much

i am so amazed at how or why god uses me...i fumble over words...i bullshit my way through answers...i make things up...and still i am able to impact another life...there are 2 things i think about when this happens...

"thank you god for using me"
"i need to learn more cause i suck"

here comes the pride...

i'm finally starting to see the greatness of weddings...i used to get caught up so much in how i hated the ceremony...that i lost site of what was going on...but now i see...these two are finally coming together...to unify what was once a dark and winding path....a place they both hated to be...pleading with god...complaining to their friends....wondering when then that perfect person was going to come along....going to friends weddings...getting ideas...planning things out...getting depressed....and now...they are finally here...standing holding hands....him in a tie...her in a dress....and they are moments aways from what they had been busying themselves with for so long

and i say...i'm so happy for you brandy....its finally here...the day you've been waiting for...the man you've pined for through the thick and thin of some other terrible clowns...and he has won you over...and you are in love...and i'm am happy

go now in the light of your god
go now in the peace of your god

Nanny and Grandad

she's a christian
he's a catholic
she can't see
he can't hear
she says "why is your arm wet"
he says "i put lotion on it"
she says "that's not lotion...that's soap"
he says "i thought it was lotion"
she says "what were you thinking...go wash it off"
he says "uggh"
she says "men"
he passes me and says "don't ever get married"
i start laughing
he starts laughing
she starts laughing
he gets back into bed
and they both say simultaneously:
"our father who art in heaven
hallowed be thy name
thy kingdom come
thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven
give us today our daily bread
and forgive us our sins
as we forgive those who sin against us
and lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil
for thine is the kingdom
and the power
and the glory
forever and ever
amen"

amen

one more day...

One more day
Just one more day then I’m done
One more car ride and
One more rising of the sun

Then I’ll jump so high
Angels will catch my fall
I'll jump so high
Angels will catch my fall

I had my chance and I just showed it to the door
I won't apologize to myself anymore

So I’ll jump so high
Angels will catch my fall
I'll jump so high
Angels will catch my fall

One more day
Just one more day then I’m done
No more failures and
No more feeling alone.

Top 8 Pitcher/Catcher Combos of the 2008 WCWS...

8 teams enter...1 team is victorious...but unlike the tournament where teams are ranked by how good they are...i'm throwing a shout out to my fellow creepers by ranking the hottest pitcher/catchers in this weeks tourney


#8 Louisiana-Lafayette











bruisers of the list...i wouldn't mind them tackling me


#7 Virginia Tech













"ho hum" in a not so "ho hum" way


#6 Alabama











cuties of the list...sweet and innocent and ready to strike you out


#5 UCLA











for the game this catcher pulls her hair back and has a braid that runs across the front...so down


#4 Florida













sporties of the list...this pitcher is cuter on tv

#3 Arizona State











mallows of the group...pitchers hair is way shorter...and has some chunky tempe-style highlights...oh yeah

#2 Texas A&M










both girls run black tar under their eyes for games...and this catchers hair is way shorter and way sweet


#1 Arizona













in the words of an infamous Aquabats song..."Holy Guacamole"

"that's the prettiest girl i've ever seen"

this statement runs through my brain 2-3 times a day while i'm out on the road...and now that the college fastpitch world series tournament is on tv...that number looks to be going up

deep impact...

last night i dreamt that a wall of water was coming through the city
and we had to hide in a department store
but it wasn't as tall as they said it was going to be
so nobody died
but that doesn't mean i don't hate those type of dreams
4 beautiful days in winter park
hanging with my brother and his(my) friends
making food
laughing
riding bikes
and not once did i think
the world was going to come to an end
no anxiety...no worries
but then as soon as i get back to being alone
those thoughts creep back
satan...get away from me
brain...stop running amuck
its not even june
and this is already
the longest year of my life

monkey bread is delicious and nutritious....

and tradition whenever i visit 2812 will o the green

the funnest and scariest thing...

is taking back roads at night
through towns you've never been through
tight turns
running over railroad tracks
going over tall bridges
with no street lights
2 lane highways
cars running towards you
will this be the time
that someone jerks the wheel
into my lane

harmless sparks....

they might have burned
but the priests were all taking turns
showing nuns what they had discerned
about their bodies in the dark

they carried on
from the evening until the dawn
like they should have been all along
making harmless sparks
instead of breaking little boys hearts

god knows
if you notice the millions of small holes
and ponder the weight of an apple
compared to the trouble we're in

and a grown man might
be tempted to question his birthright
in front of his kids and devout wife
causing the doubt to begin
to spread like original sin

constant patience...

i'm ready for summer
i'm done with the road
i'm tired of the same old thing
i'm sick of granola bars
this isn't fun anymore
i wanna throw my maps in the garbage
i wanna hang out with friends
i wanna sit on the porch
and look at the full moon
over the mountains
with the faint sound
of camper's getting ready for bed
i'm ready to meet people
i've never met
do something of worth
light a camp fire
breathe in the smoke
sing songs
make memories

hot girls....

doing your best is enough when you don't know your potential
with no expectations you can't go wrong

hear and now...

i was flipping through channels this evening when i came upon a documentary on HBO that grabbed me...its called "hear and now" and it is a documentary on couple that have been deaf since birth and now...at the age of 65...decide to get surgery to hear for the first time in their lives...well needless to say...i missed the beginning...and i missed the end...but the parts that i did see...had me balling the entire time

it was something about their innocence...their beauty as people...and something about me being a wuss

watch it...but don't say i didn't warn you

in love...

so shines a good deed in a weary world....

tonight someone saw the love of god in you
that's more than i can say for myself
i was asleep
i was in my car
i was beating down the door of god
looking for answers
requesting he rescue me
imagine that
someone safe and sound
asking to be rescued
i see no burning buildings
i see no collapsed bridges
"love god
love others"
not "love safety
love health"
you are a better person than me
for you truly care
cause when i decide to care
it still will only be
for my own gain

3 amazing gifts in the span of 2 hours...

Luke's ode to me...this cost me a pretty penny





















Hannah's ode to me...this one was free














James found this on his computer...this is my original license...you see that mexican kid there...yeah...that's me at 16

people that still pay for their groceries with a check are assholes...

seriously dude...what the hell are you doing
do you know what year it is
do you enjoy holding people up in line for 5 more minutes
have you not heard of a debit card
i know...i know...you don't want to learn about all that tomfoolery
i just don't get you
get with the freaking times
go home...boot up windows 95
fire up that dial up
and type "asshole" into a google search
your picture should come right up

vampire's night out....

went to a bar
i saw you sitting there
pretty as sin and
your skin is so dang fair
offered me a drink
i said "no but that's sweet"
and i have a clue
i saw you as me
talk for awhile
start to smoke a cigarette
you said you wanted to party
i said "i bet"
college girl like you
with nothing to do
let's go back to my place
and i'll show you a thing or two

went back to my apartment
started to mess around
but when i showed her my fangs
she showed me a frown

i said
"i don't want you, i want your blood"

its nothing personal
but you gotta do what you gotta do
to make it in a world
that doesn't even care about you
you were in the wrong bar
during the wrong night
these are the cards you were dealt
so why fight

wish there could be another way
but you really weren't given the choice
i'm at the top of the food chain baby
and in my world you don't have a voice

i don't want you, i want your blood

wait a minute
i shouldn't complain
you shouldn't complain
in a world where death is so much gain

the life and times...

hit the snooze button
hit the snooze button
hit the snooze button
take a dump
shower
brush teeth
dress
grab multiple food items
grab back pack
warm up car
reset mileage
look over map
pull out
start stop watch
drive roads never seen
chew on highlighter
eat food every hour
drink water
get out to check a hydrant
think about dinner
come back home
eat dinner
struggle with internet
watch tv
struggle to turn it off
brush teeth
pray for a healing
hope to wake up in the morning
sleep
repeat

false desirement...

the feeling a girl gets when a guy is staring at her
the feeling a guy gets when he's staring at a girl

the worst sign i have ever seen....

i tend to over exaggerate things...but i'm right on when i say that alabama is the worst state in our great united...why do i say this....i don't know

maybe it was the time i came here to do a friends wedding and the brother of his bride said to him..."i just have one question for you...auburn or alabama"...like if he liked the wrong team he would be condemned to hell

maybe it was the time that i walked around the mall during that trip and was stared at by every betty sue and bobby joe that passed me by...complete with boots...skoal imprinted back pocketed jeans...and hats curled to hell

maybe it was the time i was driving through changing radio stations when i happened upon some guy talking about the book he just wrote...something to the effect of "narnia: harmless fantasy or the devil's playground?"...i think i remember the dude even questioning c.s. lewis' salvation

anyone remember racism or slavery...pretty sure alabama started all of that

and who do you think was really behind the bombing of pearl harbor...prejudice bastards

so there you have it...maybe just a victim of circumstance....but alabama proves itself time and time again to be a place i'd rather not be...and now i'm here....if i really am depressed...then its time for a full on cocaine bender

worry all the time...

lately i've been waking to
the bluest dawns that i once slept through
the morning hangs like open chords
that i fill in with my own thoughts and words

i used to worry all the time
but i've slowed down to live my life
to live my life now

college campus and the warmest grass
we sit and watch the people rush to class
when did we decide that had to be
all facts and chance that we lost mystery

damnit....

i ran over an opossum tonight...not like they are the cuddliest of creatures...but i still feel bad when i kill something....and actually i tried to swerve out of the way...didn't know if actually hit it...so i made a uturn and flew back to see...cause what's worse than killing a possum...is not killing one...so there she was...kind of twitching and i had to run over her again to put her out of her misery

i'm a killer...what shame

doctors don't care about people

they care about medicine
they care about "who's next"
they care not to listen

and even after the "everything looks great" treatment
i still sit here wondering why the pain is present
maybe a little blood will go a long way
i just wanna know
but why

pensacola, poverty, and honesty...

i've been mapping pensacola the last 2 days
and my mind is heavy...weighed down by pondering
i've done plenty of mapping in poor neighborhoods
but here has been different
it seems never ending...and i know that its not as poor as some places
but sometimes this stuff gets to me
people sitting under trees
sitting on a curbs
no where to go...nothing to do
a man walking back and forth down the street with 2 duffle bags
another man with a suitcase and a back pack
this is all so hard for me to grasp
hard for me to understand
its like when something comes on the tv about a mentally handicapped person....or a person that was leading a normal life and then a car hits them and they are a quadriplegic...i just have to turn the channel...i can't watch stuff like that...shows like intervention....hell no

and thats the same way around here....its like i don't want to be around it...cause there's nothing i can do....i'm one man...what can i do.....and honestly...i'm afraid....whenever i am driving in a poor part of town and i pass a group of black kids...or see some people hanging out on their porch....i have this constant fear that i am going to get jumped...or a bullet hole in my car....am i stereotyping...i don't know

when i am in the suburbs...i feel like an eighth grader...king of the school...at peace with everyone....but when i enter the ghetto or poor part of town where everyone stares at you because you are white....i feel like a ninth grader that just stepped off his throne into a world of fear and unknown....how are the rules played here...what can i do to make friends...but the more i feel i try to fit in...the more i stick out...they know i'm uncomfortable

i know that these people need love...but i feel called nowhere near here...and i don't know how some people do it...its just too much pain...too much hurt for me to deal with....my brother spent a year in chicago living in the inner city....i don't know how he did it...i was scared for the week i went to visit him....my friend andy lived in the ghetto of west palm....i don't know how he did it....funny though...both of them are not in those type of ministries anymore...why

i hate this burden

the beach...

during the day she's full of sunburns, loud noises, and sea lice
during the night she's full of vast wonder, waves dancing with moonlight, and deep breaths

halloween on colorado circle

you just don't understand
it was the best block you could grow up on
when twilight came on the night of halloween
there was something special
an excitement
the way our house was lit
there was an eerieness to the whole thing
and the beautiful night
with voices of kids and their parents
girls screaming in the distance
orange and purple lights glowing down the street
your heart beat faster

i'll never forget:
the year my mom was a witch
the year she made us crayon costumes
kathy carr giving us cupcakes instead of candy
the house on the corner whose garage was so scary...we always went to it last
the night at alex's when the power went out on the entire block
dumping 3 pillowcases full of candy on the floor
the party at the diaz's
roxanne's strobe lit back yard
my dimly lit house at night
go around the neighborhood...switch masks...go again...repeat

all these things fueled my love for halloween....the sights and sounds...the beauty of the night sky...the eerieness of dark streets....the entire neighborhood out and about...walking...chatting...connecting...it makes me wanna take a dump right now

i love to sing of god's love...

of his wonderful deeds
of his marvelous grace
of his beautiful creation

is there another reason to sing
is there another way to express so much
a beautiful melody
a driving rhythm

there's a beat that's inside of my soul
bringing forth a song of praise
and how i long to hear the rhythm of your heart
pour it out on me

knowing that you came to take away our shame
father i can't help but praise you this time
you have done so much
jesus christ your love has beckoned this life
you have done so much

i'm not that good at blogging...

sometimes i think my life is too boring to write something everyday
sometimes i forget i don't have to write everyday
sometimes i forget i don't have to write something long
just something informative
worthy of sharing something about my life at the time

i think i need my gallbladder removed

"you are who you truly are when you no one's around"

really?? seriously?? cause if this is true...then i'm in the shithouse...i've heard more than one pastor utter this statement...i always thought to myself..."maybe i'm in trouble then...maybe everything i do is just an act for other christians to see and praise me"....but being alone for stretches of time has made me realize....I CAN ONLY BE MYSELF WHEN OTHERS ARE AROUND!!! i can only use my gifts...i can only feel important...encouraged...etc....this is some kind of obscure..."if a tree falls in the woods" type application to human beings...so if you don't have people around to talk to you....does anyone see you go insane

and don't give me that "all you need is jesus" bullshit...THIS STATEMENT IS UNTRUE!!!!....we need human contact...human touch...hugs....eye contact....voice inflections....WE NEED EACH OTHER...WE NEED A CHURCH....not because of sermons...not because of worship music...because that's where we can shake a hand...find love...find forgiveness from and for each other....how come we can make sense of a study in which newborns were shown to be much more joyous and interactive when continually touched and held....and not see the destruction that a life of solitude can bring....maybe this is my weakness...but its one weakness i don't want to be cured from....it brings me back home....

maybe i'm just naive...maybe this is something that everyone has already realized....but i don't remember hearing this in church...i don't remember it being emphasized.....i've been guilty of having selective hearing on more than one occasion....but this needs to be preached...i've found something else i need to hear weak after weak....now there's 2

1. it is finished
2. we need each other

great list

where is fancy bread...in the heart or in the head...

how do you do "everything" unto the lord
work...play...music...movies
obviously the bible forgot to take into account a future that is an american capitalistic society...what is ministry....what about working in an environment isolated from human contact....do i waste valuable time...sitting here watching a basketball game....checking my email...i see why people go crazy....i understand why we have nervous breakdowns....we think we have control over our mind...we think we are indestructible...we think we are untouchable...till something fails...something breaks down....and we find ourselves helpless...hurting...in need...we try to apply the years and years of advice we have given others...to ourselves...but we draw a blank....finding comfort in nothing....maybe the fact that there is something out there greater than us....in control....and that maybe...just maybe he hasn't abandoned us for not doing his work...for not living out the kingdom...i could never believe in a god like that...and yet i still find my mind wondering....i can only hope...that having nothing to offer is enough....that pleading with god to use me....will spawn an answer...something audible maybe...cause i hate laying out fleeces...but what can you do when you are a sinner....filled with doubt...

seriously...can we choose the wrong path...what the hell is the wrong path....what the hell is the right path...choices can be right and wrong...can paths??? i get it...we do thing out of selfish motives...we want what we want...but if we are seeking god on something...can we make a wrong decision...won't god always be with us...doesn't god use even the wrong choices for his glory....so why all the sweating...pulse pounding...let's go and do it...let's not sit around and waste anymore time...let's throw caution to the wind...get up and actually do what we've been flapping our gums about for the last five years....

of course...right after this game

Christians 12...

Strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees
Make level paths for your feet
So that the lame may not be disabled
But rather healed

i have nothing to fear....

so why am i afraid...the king of kings has my back...i am his child...he is my father...what earthly cares should weigh me down...why can't i look the poor in the eye...why can't i believe a word they say...where am i going...where is this world headed...what path is greater...what path means the most...when will this all stop wearing on me...grinding me down...is it time to get dirty...is it time to face the world....work on love...work in love....work out love

soon i'll be thirty...

soon i'll be old
soon i'll be scared
soon i will have lived
soon i will have regret
soon i will want
soon i'll feel need
soon i will die
too soon

Owning a new car is painful...

well i guess i should say keeping up with the warranty requirements is painful....i'm sitting here in the toyota dealership right now...interneting my life away...trying not to think about the $238 i'm going to be spending on this "routine checkup"...15,000 miles comes pretty quickly when all you do is drive for a living....it also doesn't help that it comes right at the end of a 2 week stretch where i haven't worked at all...but alas...tomorrow will be the start of another couple months of traveling...its in my blood really...and i find it hard to think of leaving this job for one that i work in the same place day after day after month after year.....i feel spoiled now...i mean maybe there will be a point where i will get sick of it...really the only think i could think of that would get old...is not getting to meet new people...establish new friendships...meet the woman of my dreams....besides all that...i'm really excited to be going back to work...sure i need money....but its funny that now i come home for time off...and its seems the more tense for me....not having many friends...sitting in the house all day...and then when i go back to work...its like a vacation...going to new places...seeing new things...tasting new foods....how can i complain....i just hope it lasts...the daily grind doesn't sound too appetizing

When I ponder hard enough...

...2 things grab me

1. the absurdity of professional sports leagues
2. an overwhelming fear of eternity