pensacola, poverty, and honesty...

i've been mapping pensacola the last 2 days
and my mind is heavy...weighed down by pondering
i've done plenty of mapping in poor neighborhoods
but here has been different
it seems never ending...and i know that its not as poor as some places
but sometimes this stuff gets to me
people sitting under trees
sitting on a curbs
no where to go...nothing to do
a man walking back and forth down the street with 2 duffle bags
another man with a suitcase and a back pack
this is all so hard for me to grasp
hard for me to understand
its like when something comes on the tv about a mentally handicapped person....or a person that was leading a normal life and then a car hits them and they are a quadriplegic...i just have to turn the channel...i can't watch stuff like that...shows like intervention....hell no

and thats the same way around here....its like i don't want to be around it...cause there's nothing i can do....i'm one man...what can i do.....and honestly...i'm afraid....whenever i am driving in a poor part of town and i pass a group of black kids...or see some people hanging out on their porch....i have this constant fear that i am going to get jumped...or a bullet hole in my car....am i stereotyping...i don't know

when i am in the suburbs...i feel like an eighth grader...king of the school...at peace with everyone....but when i enter the ghetto or poor part of town where everyone stares at you because you are white....i feel like a ninth grader that just stepped off his throne into a world of fear and unknown....how are the rules played here...what can i do to make friends...but the more i feel i try to fit in...the more i stick out...they know i'm uncomfortable

i know that these people need love...but i feel called nowhere near here...and i don't know how some people do it...its just too much pain...too much hurt for me to deal with....my brother spent a year in chicago living in the inner city....i don't know how he did it...i was scared for the week i went to visit him....my friend andy lived in the ghetto of west palm....i don't know how he did it....funny though...both of them are not in those type of ministries anymore...why

i hate this burden