all i want to do is ride bikes with you...

beginning of the week...and only a lady named andrea who needs assistance around her house(filing, yardwork, cleaning garage, internet searches) has given me any hope of employment...i'm no good at this pursuing thing...fortunately AK is paying me $10/hr and has enough work for me to do here to probably last for a month or 2...but its that work that you do like 3-4 hours a day...today i cleaned up some of the garage and brought in all the wood and piping from outside....i'm actually excited to start staining his fence

fort collins is a beautiful place...AK and TK live about 5 minutes west of downtown...and the beautiful thing is that they are the farthest west you can get before you start hitting the rockies...they have some amazing views...and tons of trails behind the house...despite the nip in the air...me and AK decided to get the mountain bikes down and go for a ride

dirt...pebbles...rocks...throw my back tire to and fro...and i hold on for dear life going down hill...and strain my quads to the max going uphills...it reminds me of the last time i went biking...it was in winter park with my brother part of a race around the city...i biked about 20 miles and couldn't even make it home...seriously....we had to call justin to come pick us up in his pick up....it was the strangest feeling not being able to control my body like that

we would pass bikers and runners...and then we passed a couple walking together...and my mind thought of the loveliness...if you were here...and that was us...and i would know for sure...and you had learned to trust

live by awards...die by awards...

hunting hunting hunting...who likes hunting...no one!!....we love the kill...we love the find...which in turn justifies the hunting...that's why we may say we like hunting...but if we never killed anything...never found anything...we would hate it...we need some kind of satisfaction that our searching is not in vain....although i can't really speak for people who play the lottery...not sure how they feel about it

i've filled out application after application after application...and there is one thing that all of them have in common that i hate:

"list some specific skills and qualifications you have for this position"

and now i have to become a salesman...selling the one thing i have a hard time selling...me....its not like i don't think highly of myself...its just that i don't want to be "that guy"...you know the one...always talking about himself...telling stories...being loud...i just want my work to speak for itself...hell..call somebody..i just gave you a list of references...this is why i could never climb a ladder...or ask for a raise...when your boss asks you "so why do you think you deserve a raise"...i would say..."your right...i don't deserve a raise".....i just want to be noticed...i want to be doing such a good job that you can't help but give me a raise...that's the way it should work

and then...as i head back to the house...i listen to the radio as the announcer lists off the high school students of the month in fort collins...and all their merits..."glee club member...volleyball captain...honor student..." blah blah blah...it reminds me of my senior year when i would talk to some of my classmates...they got involved in all these clubs and organizations so they could get into a better college...is that how it goes?? you're a better or smarter student because of all of the extra curricular groups you were apart of??

why do we love the trophy
why do we love the award
would it be enough to hear the same accolade from our parents
would it be enough to hear a friends whisper over a crowd's applause
i wonder

we will dance again...

i swear...you were not made for this
but this is where we stand
unable to touch
feelings can be good
but are untrustworthy
live in truth my love
live in the firm
crete your feet to the floor
so you can't move
or maybe i should say
can't fight
cause this is going to hurt
this is going to sting
but i don't know a more effective way
to get your attention
don't you think i want roses
don't you know...all i want is to see you smile
but destruction lives there
hate lives there
and people change because of it
can't you see i'm bringing the good
the right...the pure
you ask for a miracle
for your blindness to cease
but i'm keeping you from a world
that is harder than you can know
you are blind for protection
for preservation
there will be a day my love
when this all passes
when we will finally belong
but for now
just have faith
just trust
open your hands
and i will take them
down a path
of adventure
of anger
of rest
of war
of pleasure
of hope
whose end results in satisfaction
for we will dance again
amen

"so the lizard goes to plan b..."

i always thought it would be an interesting experiment...as your flipping through channels on the tv or radio...to record the first statement you here from each channel...and see what kind of story would come of it...i've tried to mentally do it...but don't seem to have the capacity

as i exited out of my room today...my stepdad was watching tv...and the first statement i heard was:

"so the lizard goes to plan b..."


makes you wonder....what the hell was plan a?

oh tallest tree

oh tallest tree
oh tallest tree
wouldn't you soon
remember me
what's it like
with canopy high
soaking clouds
and piercing sky
my neck is cracking
to peer your awe
my mind is knacking
to keen my small
how heavy your branches
how reddish your tint
and leaves that could cover
this fix that i'm in
the deep dark grooves
in your flaky brown siding
conveniently fit
my posture for hiding
knooks and crannies
i reach for each one
scaling and climbing
a glimpse of the sun
it may take me years
but years i well have
worth every scrape
and impossible grasps
to the top one day
far from markless
and shadows will burn
along with the darkness
and keep me well
and keep me often
witnessing deep
my cold heart soften
i've shivered too long
and never quite thawed
but on that day
i'll again be awed

3 beautiful things one saturday....

this is otis' picture of halloween...i can't explain everything that's going on here...just that its brillant






















my friend iris just sent these amazing beauties...they are handmade from tanzania which is in africa where she spent all summer...seriously...these are effing awesome!!!

















I LOVE BIG LOTS!!! especially looking in their grocery section...they have alot of discounted food because of busted boxes...or unpopular items...at first glance...i had to have these puppies...at 10th combo...i had to use the bathroom...these just arent' right

cause a promise...is a promise...i know

bow low sweet hearts
be still new moon
sands are pouring through our fingers
and we can't move to grab them
so we stand lifeless
tears running down our cheeks
skin cracked and dry
face and hands numb
we fail to see our purpose
as statues above the empty ground
motionless is not dead
sorrow is not weakness
our faces are a constant wondering
questioning...sighing
and the sands remain
encasing our arms
a heavy weight
we feel on the verge of crumbling
what does it feel like to break free
to shed the outer shell
to be warm again
hope for a river's rushing
noble and reasonable
we move our eyes
we look to the skies
hoping for a rain
to make us mud
to flood our skin
to bring life
but nothing
what is hope then
if it never comes
will it ever come
should we stop hoping
should we let ourselves crumble
because it never comes
but what if it does
shouldn't we hope
for sorrows sake

if you want to get free...

In the gas station bathroom by the condom machine
I heard the word of the Lord
He said take off your shoes,
this is holy ground too
you know I came for the sick and the bored.
Beneath the selling of beers
And the welling up of tears
Out beyond the beam of the remote control
There's a whispering voice
That the humble ear ears
that says I am still waiting
for you to ask just to be made whole.

And the bush it was burning on the mountain top
and though the leaves never blackened, the fire didn't stop
That's the way that it works in this old life of sin
You gotta let the fire burn you just to get clean within

I am so often deterred from my actual intent
by distractions in a cellophane wrap
And the cruel voice that taunts me when I open them up
to find just one more box full of crap
It's where you're mocked while you abstain
and then cursed when you give in
It's all a game that's impossible to beat
But there's a peaceful refrain God'll sing in your brain
when you put the nails to your hands and your feet

And the smell of our sacrifices
still fills up my head
There's just a few left at the altar, Lord
all the rest of them fled
And we've cried and we've tried
We've sweat and we've bled
But we don't just need atonement
WE NEED TO BE RAISED FROM THE DEAD

When they took down the cross from that dark hillside
The blood on their hands was the blood from his side
That's the way that it works, That's the way it must be.
You gotta let His blood stain you of you want to get free
If you want to get free
Don't you want to get free?
I think you want to be free.

-waterdeep