the worst sign i have ever seen....

i tend to over exaggerate things...but i'm right on when i say that alabama is the worst state in our great united...why do i say this....i don't know

maybe it was the time i came here to do a friends wedding and the brother of his bride said to him..."i just have one question for you...auburn or alabama"...like if he liked the wrong team he would be condemned to hell

maybe it was the time that i walked around the mall during that trip and was stared at by every betty sue and bobby joe that passed me by...complete with boots...skoal imprinted back pocketed jeans...and hats curled to hell

maybe it was the time i was driving through changing radio stations when i happened upon some guy talking about the book he just wrote...something to the effect of "narnia: harmless fantasy or the devil's playground?"...i think i remember the dude even questioning c.s. lewis' salvation

anyone remember racism or slavery...pretty sure alabama started all of that

and who do you think was really behind the bombing of pearl harbor...prejudice bastards

so there you have it...maybe just a victim of circumstance....but alabama proves itself time and time again to be a place i'd rather not be...and now i'm here....if i really am depressed...then its time for a full on cocaine bender

worry all the time...

lately i've been waking to
the bluest dawns that i once slept through
the morning hangs like open chords
that i fill in with my own thoughts and words

i used to worry all the time
but i've slowed down to live my life
to live my life now

college campus and the warmest grass
we sit and watch the people rush to class
when did we decide that had to be
all facts and chance that we lost mystery

damnit....

i ran over an opossum tonight...not like they are the cuddliest of creatures...but i still feel bad when i kill something....and actually i tried to swerve out of the way...didn't know if actually hit it...so i made a uturn and flew back to see...cause what's worse than killing a possum...is not killing one...so there she was...kind of twitching and i had to run over her again to put her out of her misery

i'm a killer...what shame

doctors don't care about people

they care about medicine
they care about "who's next"
they care not to listen

and even after the "everything looks great" treatment
i still sit here wondering why the pain is present
maybe a little blood will go a long way
i just wanna know
but why

pensacola, poverty, and honesty...

i've been mapping pensacola the last 2 days
and my mind is heavy...weighed down by pondering
i've done plenty of mapping in poor neighborhoods
but here has been different
it seems never ending...and i know that its not as poor as some places
but sometimes this stuff gets to me
people sitting under trees
sitting on a curbs
no where to go...nothing to do
a man walking back and forth down the street with 2 duffle bags
another man with a suitcase and a back pack
this is all so hard for me to grasp
hard for me to understand
its like when something comes on the tv about a mentally handicapped person....or a person that was leading a normal life and then a car hits them and they are a quadriplegic...i just have to turn the channel...i can't watch stuff like that...shows like intervention....hell no

and thats the same way around here....its like i don't want to be around it...cause there's nothing i can do....i'm one man...what can i do.....and honestly...i'm afraid....whenever i am driving in a poor part of town and i pass a group of black kids...or see some people hanging out on their porch....i have this constant fear that i am going to get jumped...or a bullet hole in my car....am i stereotyping...i don't know

when i am in the suburbs...i feel like an eighth grader...king of the school...at peace with everyone....but when i enter the ghetto or poor part of town where everyone stares at you because you are white....i feel like a ninth grader that just stepped off his throne into a world of fear and unknown....how are the rules played here...what can i do to make friends...but the more i feel i try to fit in...the more i stick out...they know i'm uncomfortable

i know that these people need love...but i feel called nowhere near here...and i don't know how some people do it...its just too much pain...too much hurt for me to deal with....my brother spent a year in chicago living in the inner city....i don't know how he did it...i was scared for the week i went to visit him....my friend andy lived in the ghetto of west palm....i don't know how he did it....funny though...both of them are not in those type of ministries anymore...why

i hate this burden

the beach...

during the day she's full of sunburns, loud noises, and sea lice
during the night she's full of vast wonder, waves dancing with moonlight, and deep breaths

halloween on colorado circle

you just don't understand
it was the best block you could grow up on
when twilight came on the night of halloween
there was something special
an excitement
the way our house was lit
there was an eerieness to the whole thing
and the beautiful night
with voices of kids and their parents
girls screaming in the distance
orange and purple lights glowing down the street
your heart beat faster

i'll never forget:
the year my mom was a witch
the year she made us crayon costumes
kathy carr giving us cupcakes instead of candy
the house on the corner whose garage was so scary...we always went to it last
the night at alex's when the power went out on the entire block
dumping 3 pillowcases full of candy on the floor
the party at the diaz's
roxanne's strobe lit back yard
my dimly lit house at night
go around the neighborhood...switch masks...go again...repeat

all these things fueled my love for halloween....the sights and sounds...the beauty of the night sky...the eerieness of dark streets....the entire neighborhood out and about...walking...chatting...connecting...it makes me wanna take a dump right now

i love to sing of god's love...

of his wonderful deeds
of his marvelous grace
of his beautiful creation

is there another reason to sing
is there another way to express so much
a beautiful melody
a driving rhythm

there's a beat that's inside of my soul
bringing forth a song of praise
and how i long to hear the rhythm of your heart
pour it out on me

knowing that you came to take away our shame
father i can't help but praise you this time
you have done so much
jesus christ your love has beckoned this life
you have done so much

i'm not that good at blogging...

sometimes i think my life is too boring to write something everyday
sometimes i forget i don't have to write everyday
sometimes i forget i don't have to write something long
just something informative
worthy of sharing something about my life at the time

i think i need my gallbladder removed