they do it because they were born to do it...

you don't understand
its always been about me
and sometimes i feel
it will never be anything but
i want my dreams to become realities
but only at the price i'm willing to pay
i don't remember that you have needs
i can't feel them deep within
because i only worry about myself

its hard to do the things you were "born to do"
because you end up doing them over and over
and over and over again
til you begin to hate what you are so gifted at
you lose perspective
you want something new...something fresh
and its not that you don't love the accolades
its that its loses it challenge
or its that people now have this great expectation of you
and you are afraid that you will "lose a step"
or do something lame
and for certain you will find someone better than you
and then you will question your gifting all together

its a pride feeder to hear someone proclaim
"you are the best"
and you soak it up
even though you know its untrue
because you've seen someone better
and so has that person
and the next and the next

will i always be on the edge of something great
will i always learn my lesson after the damage is done
"how come i fall in love with every girl who shows me the slightest bit of attention"
do i even know what it means to fall in love
is there such a thing
is there such a girl
is there such a gift or job to be satisfied in
where you wake up everyday so thankful you are in it
even after years and years and years and years
is there anything new under the sun

these are the things that humans have always pondered
and will continue to ponder til the end of this earth
how is my questioning any different

you don't want to have anything to do with me...

i'm not man enough
you don't want to have anything to do with me
i won't stick my neck out for you
i'll look out for myself alone
its a dog eat dog world
and when my god says "serve"
his voice grows faint in my ears
how does one grow while sitting still
how does one learn without reading
its seems so long and hard
cold and dark
when will i stop repeating the motivational phrases
over and over again in my head
"wake up, oh sleeper
rise up and christ will shine on you"
amen

i don't need church to be different...

i just need them to stop being what they are now....dull....challengeless...uncreative parades of self promotion....i should be ashamed of the things i just said cause i seem to contribute nothing but criticism...but good freaking god...i desire to follow...i'm a sheep waiting to be tended...but you let me wander the fields with no direction....and without direction....i will perish

dandelions..

fathomless your endless mercy
weight i could not lift
where do i fit in this puzzle
what good are these gifts
not a martyr or a saint
scarcely can i struggle through
all that i have ever wanted
was to give my best to you

lord search my heart
create in me something clean
dandelions
you see flowers in these weeds

the grass withers...the flowers fade..

you are unique
you are gifted
you are fearfully and wonderfully made
look in the mirror
what do you see
a mask of deception
over who you really are
god knit you together
he formed everything about you
i'm not just talking your physical appearance
i'm talking your soul
your inner being
your personality
what you think is funny
what you think is sad
2 things i guarantee you
someone will always be:
smarter than you
faster than you
more talented than you
prettier than you
wealthier than you
but that doesn't overshadow the fact
that you are talented
you are pretty
you are fast
you are wealthy
all this world can come up with is comparisons
ITS ALL FREAKING RELATIVE
someone once said "...in the eye of the beholder"
damn straight

hold onto the truth
THE TRUTH I SAID
he knows the hairs on your head
he formed you for a unique purpose
UNIQUE PURPOSE
not everyone will call your name
so what
not everyone will see your beauty
so what
not everyone will be changed because of you
but some will
some will
some will
isn't that enough
isn't that worth it
put your comparison compass
back in your pocket
and walk the terrain set before you
he loves
he guides
he provides
don't sell him short of all he deserves
and that is you

remember...

i want to live in a world of creation
to dream and never wake up
the thoughts circle and dive
and when they find a home
i have freed them
to sink deep into the earth
to touch a life
to change a heart forever
what a great gift
to shape the dreams of another
to watch as their eyes awaken
and they will look back at this time
and always recollect what hit them so hard
a thought
an idea
a dream
we must free them now
to set the world ablaze
the life of creation
is a hard and rewarding one

the plague of hyphenated names...

it was 8th grade before i had ever seen a hyphenated name...my history teacher was Mrs. Hill-Weatherspoon....of course in my youth and ignorance....i was struck by this oddity..."why would a woman do this?"...almost 20 years later...i'm still asking the same question...but now with more of a hardness in my heart

what's the purpose really to keep your maiden name? to continue to be associated with your family? maybe your family name is hilton...or schwartzanegger and you don't want to lose the notoriety that name always brings you...whatever the reason...i can see your point...but i disagree with you

there is something that makes me a little perturbed about the whole situation...out on the east coast i don't think i ran across more than 2 or 3 women out there with hyphenated names...but out here in colorado...it runs rampant...and working at a pharmacy i'm dealing with last names all day....i'm amazed at how many hyphenated names there are...and even worse to me...is the wife who doesn't take her husbands name at all...one of my coworker's wife went this route..."how did you feel about that bro"...his response was nonchalant and romantic "as long as she wanted to be my wife...i didn't care"...wow that makes me look like an ass...cause right now its a freaking deal breaker for me....

i asked a customer just the other day..."is your last name the same as your husbands"...seems like a fairly stupid question..."no" she says...ugh...what?!...and then i just found out last week...the family i'm house sitting for(through picking up their mail) are a house divided as well...the wife didn't take her husbands name

to me this gets so maddening...call it what you will...strong or independence...besides the excuses that i listed earlier...i think it has more to do with ownership...women not wanting to feel like their husband owns them...i understand that our culture has a tendency to make woman inferior...and women can rise up against this and defeat if they want(which i think they should)...but does this need to be part of the revolution....cause i feel this isn't starting the marriage off on the right foot....we are to be one...we are unified...and for a woman to want to be with me forever...and take my name...is a humbling and honoring thing...i don't sit there and say "gotcha sucker..you're mine"...this places all the more responsibility on me to look out for her...take care of her needs and fill those voids that she has been missing without me...this is not something to be taken lightly

and it frustrates me even more when it comes to kids...children of these marriages who have grown up come to pick up their medication with hyphenated names in tact....what happens when they marry...does the woman take the whole hyphenated name of her husband...does she hyphenate on top of the hyphenation...Mrs. Ross-Vasquez-Jones....maybe a girl with a hyphenated name can't wait to marry to rid herself of such woes

all these things don't speak to me of family...there's something in a name...a family together in name...means something...symbolism hits us as humans to the core...and this is one of those things for me...i'm not going to judge those families with hyphenated names...maybe they are stronger than most...but to me(especially the women who don't take their hubbies names at all) there seems like a sacrifice lost

somtimes it only take a few seconds....

for your whole day to crumble

37 days...

that's how long it had been since i last filled up my gas tank...incredible really....1 month and 1 week...350 miles on 10 gallons...considering the fact that at my old job i would have filled up around 15 times in that span...i am so happy to be normal in that area again...and i'm glad that the Yaris is getting her much due rest

i'm not big on giving life to inanimate objects...but cars are different...think about it...when you turn 16...they are the first things that you give yourself charge over...you have to take care of it...you have to wash it...you have to feed it...it takes you where ever you want to go....i've always felt this way about cars...from my first car...a 1980 datsun....to this one...every one of them was unique...every one of them had their faults...but they also had their days of greatness...and i ran every one of them into the ground....

and now...for the first time in my driving life...i've been the original owner of a car...37 miles on it when i bought it...a year and a half later...and i know her inside and out...her filth is my filth...50,000 miles and still staying strong....nothing has gone wrong with her yet...but the beautiful thing is...when it does...i'll know...cause i know how she is supposed to run...and supposed to sound...and supposed to feel...and when something's wrong....only i will be able to tell

Picasa for Mac...

Best Day:
FINALLY!!!! THANK YOU GOD, FINALLY!!! I CAN NOW DIE IN PEACE...THIS IS THE DAY I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR...GOOGLE IS AWESOME!!!!!

Worst Day:
CRAAAAAAP!!!! IT DOESN'T WORK ON MY POWERPC MAC....AHHHH...DAMNIT...I WANT TO KILL MYSELF...SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

4 things that make pretty women ugly...

1. make up
i know i know...it makes you feel prettier...you get to dress up...and its fun to put on make up...but you are just glopping chemicals onto your pretty natural foundation...stop it...you're bothering god















2. press on/long nails
there is nothing attractive about knowing a girl has the capability of scooping your eyeballs out with her nails....sick really















3. high heels
i know the reasons...they make you taller...and give your calves definition....but do you really like trying to keep your balance all night while your feet get punished...here's an unwritten rule that should be implemented....if you can't wait to get them off...there's no point in wearing them












4. french manicure
i'm not sure why...but this creeps me out...who decided that this was sexy or pretty or whatever...and that girls should do this for special occasions....white tips...i don't get it...and its UGLY!!!