i must remember why i'm here...

i must remember what god wants to do
it's easy to get frustrated
it's easy to turn and yell
i want to have a peace
i want to see their hearts
what they are struggling with
the attention that they are pining for
i need to stop taking things so personal

create in me a clean heart
and renew a right spirit within me

The Nolichucky River and Elementary Kids...

the first day of helping out with camp started with a bang...or should i say..getting dragged along the pavement by a steel cable...let me explain

the ramp that leads down to the river to drop the kids off for tubing has a steel cable running across the top of it...which is pad locked to two posts...george gave me the key to unlock it...but it wasn't working...after trying it again and again...and with the kids on their way down in the bus...i said "why don't we unscrew the eye bolt"...so george grabbed a wrench and i grabbed the loop on the cable and we both started to turn...

and we turned and we turned

all the while the cable was turning with us...getting more and more tension on it...you know those toy airplanes with the rubber bands attached the propeller...yeah...think of that...the eye bolt was wiggling...and towards the end with every turn...we kept saying "it almost there"....finally...as it popped off...the cable untwisted...catching my hand in the loop and flinging me across to top of the ramp...

as george recalls it..."the wrench came out of my hand...i picked it up and you were gone"

it hurt at the time...but in hindsight it was a fun ride...a couple gouges here and there but nothing too bad

being on the river all of yesterday was tough...not the beautiful water...not the dense trees...not the grassy banks...but the kids...the elementary kids...you know the ones...the ones that can't balance in their tubes...the ones that think that a alligator is going to eat them...the ones that cry cause they feel they can't do it...yeah them...most of them were good...but its always those few that make the ride more difficult...testing your patience

it felt good to have a group here...i forgot what it felt like...how a group of kids can energize you...seeing them react to one another...seeing their insecurities...their personalities...it was a quick day and a half...but as always...it felt like a week

don't panic...

Oh, we're sinking like stones,
All that we fought for,
All those places we've gone,
All of us are done for.

We live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world,
Oh, we're sinking like stones,
All that we fought for,
All those places we've gone,
All of us are done for.

We live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world.

Oh, all that I know,
There's nothing here to run from,
And there, everybody here's got somebody to lean on.

as night as now...

I'm so damn tired, can't hear myself
In all these hours, I'll heal myself

Who walks beside you?
Who will surprise you now?

Move or decide it

I'm so damn tired, can't hear myself
In all these hours, I'll heal myself

Move or decide it

Let us sing out
Forgetting all

Day One..

still tired from the move...

we're there...

braving the mountain passes
and the dead of night
and the ache of staying up
and sitting upright

we arrive
on a sunday morning
as everyone wakes up
we die

my summer prayer...

let us lay down our own insecurities
for the sake of these kids

amen

tonight i made a girl cry...

its a weird feeling when you are talking to someone...and you think you are helping them process through some stuff in their life...and then you say something that seems to turn their thoughts and they start crying...and you have this overwhelming feeling of all the good momentum you had going...comes to a screeching hault...and you think...how do i get this back on the track...and then...a few minutes later...you realize what they are crying about...is a good thing...and what you had said...actually helped...and they tell you as much

i am so amazed at how or why god uses me...i fumble over words...i bullshit my way through answers...i make things up...and still i am able to impact another life...there are 2 things i think about when this happens...

"thank you god for using me"
"i need to learn more cause i suck"

here comes the pride...

i'm finally starting to see the greatness of weddings...i used to get caught up so much in how i hated the ceremony...that i lost site of what was going on...but now i see...these two are finally coming together...to unify what was once a dark and winding path....a place they both hated to be...pleading with god...complaining to their friends....wondering when then that perfect person was going to come along....going to friends weddings...getting ideas...planning things out...getting depressed....and now...they are finally here...standing holding hands....him in a tie...her in a dress....and they are moments aways from what they had been busying themselves with for so long

and i say...i'm so happy for you brandy....its finally here...the day you've been waiting for...the man you've pined for through the thick and thin of some other terrible clowns...and he has won you over...and you are in love...and i'm am happy

go now in the light of your god
go now in the peace of your god

Nanny and Grandad

she's a christian
he's a catholic
she can't see
he can't hear
she says "why is your arm wet"
he says "i put lotion on it"
she says "that's not lotion...that's soap"
he says "i thought it was lotion"
she says "what were you thinking...go wash it off"
he says "uggh"
she says "men"
he passes me and says "don't ever get married"
i start laughing
he starts laughing
she starts laughing
he gets back into bed
and they both say simultaneously:
"our father who art in heaven
hallowed be thy name
thy kingdom come
thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven
give us today our daily bread
and forgive us our sins
as we forgive those who sin against us
and lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil
for thine is the kingdom
and the power
and the glory
forever and ever
amen"

amen

one more day...

One more day
Just one more day then I’m done
One more car ride and
One more rising of the sun

Then I’ll jump so high
Angels will catch my fall
I'll jump so high
Angels will catch my fall

I had my chance and I just showed it to the door
I won't apologize to myself anymore

So I’ll jump so high
Angels will catch my fall
I'll jump so high
Angels will catch my fall

One more day
Just one more day then I’m done
No more failures and
No more feeling alone.